Chloe Golden Retriever. A Maine Photographer

This blog post has been planned for over two years, but today is the day I write it.
This blog post is all about Chloe, our beautiful golden retriever, and how she and her destiny became such a big part of our family.
Timing.  It was all about the timing.

Chloe was born on December 6, 2009.
Her litter name is "Third times a charm"
because her Mom Macy was bred three times before she got pregnant.
Because her Mom was such a great dog, the breeder chose "Third times a charm" to continue her moms legacy, and chose her to be one of her guardian dogs to breed in the future.

December 6, 2009
My "big" sister Carmen died.
Carmen had been sick for a number of years, but I certainly had not prepared myself for her death.
Carmen was my only sister.  We grew up together.  How could she be gone?

December 30, 2009
My dog Tasha died.
Tasha was the only dog I ever owned.  We chose Tasha when Joshua was just a year old.  Although I told my husband Tasha was his dog, she very much became my dog.  I worked part time, and spent a great deal of time with Tasha and the boys.  We all grew up together :)

This was a very sad January and my heart was truly broken.  My husband started poking around the internet looking for a Golden Retriever.  I wasn't ready and asked him if he would just put us on a waiting list to get a rescue golden.  Just about everyday or every other day I would catch him poking around on the internet...and I would just say..."I'm not ready"
I wasn't ready in more than one way.  My heart was truly broken, but my wallet was hurting too.  We had spent a fair share of money on medical bills for Tasha, and purchasing a purebred was not really an option.  But my husband kept searching.  His heart was broken too...
and then one day he said to me "what if I told you I found a new litter of golden retrievers and they were born on the day Carmen died?"
To this day I'm sure my mouth was hanging open, and I said "I would tell you that you better get me one of those puppies"

The rest is kind of history for us.  My husband contacted the breeder, Rushell at Snowy Paw Golden Retrievers to see what we could do to get one of those puppies.  We shared our baggage and how we needed time to raise some funds and she asked us if we would meet with her to discuss some options.  We couldn't wait!  We met with her and she explained her guardian program.  Rushell has since made changes to the program, but the readers digest version of it is we could have a guardian puppy to keep in exchange for breeding privileges.  And once said breeding took place our guardian dog would go live with the breeder during the birth of the puppies and for eight weeks thereafter.

This brings us to today, and why I have waited a few years to write this post.  Chloe, at the age of four, has just had her first litter...and is currently living with the breeder.  Our house is so quiet and we miss her dearly, but we are so proud of our happy Mama dog!
...and a few fun facts about Chloe
We named her Chloe after my sister, Carmen Lowe.
We started adding the word "butt" to her name...right from the beginning because she packed a powerful stench to her poops...it started as Stinkybutt, then came Snowybutt, but mostly it's just Chloebutt.  
Chloe pretty much lived up to her mom's reputation on the difficulty of getting pregnant and was able to have this litter after being artificially inseminated this past January.
We hope to breed her again at the end of 2014 to fulfill our contract, and very much hope to be able to raise one of her future pups.

 

My Sister's Birthday. A Maine Photographer

Every year since my sister Carmen died I have been blogging on her birthday.  It's kind of like a recap journal for myself of how I'm working through stuff without her. Here is year three, two, and one and the first birthday after her death.
I met with Mom today to go out to lunch together.  I also started doing this a few years ago to help cheer my Mom up on this day.  We had a nice lunch which we were going to follow up with a little shopping, but Mom wasn't feeling well, so I dropped her off and headed home myself...

Which I thought was a good idea...because Ms Chloebutt, AKA Chloe, born on the day my sister died, named after my sister, also hasn't been well for the past 24 hours.  I am assuming it's pregnancy related...after all...she is sick like a dog.  This is how the last two days have gone...SpotBot going 24/7 and after three trips to the bathtub we finally shaved a bit of her back end out of shear exhaustion!  One month ago Chloe attempted to fulfill her destiny as a Mommy...but when she failed to play naturally, science played a role and she was artificially inseminated.  If the procedure worked, and if Ms Chloe is indeed "with puppy" we have a due date of March 6th.  I will have a series of blog posts devoted primarily to Ms Chloe, starting next month.

Two weeks ago I unpacked Carmen's kaleidoscope

collection.  They had been packed since I packed up my old studio in October of 2012.  It was wonderful to get them out where they can now be enjoyed.  In addition, I've decided to revisit making kaleidoscope art with my photography.  I had begun doing this when my boys were very little...not sure why I stopped...but this is one area where I know I can offer clients one of a kind art like no one else does.  (this photo is my wedding bouquet...and yes...a bit of my cleavage too)

I continue to photograph the cats at the Animal Refuge League, every Monday.  I started doing this in the Spring of 2010, inspired by Carmen's absolute love of cats, and I am still doing it today.

 
Every year I miss picking out that perfect birthday gift for my sister.  I used to keep my eyes open all year round to pick out a gift that I knew she would love, and she always did the same for me.  I can remember all the way back to when my sister was in college and she would pick out something perfect for me at a craft fair. I absolutely always looked forward to reciprocating and picking out the perfect gift for her.  I wish I had told her that was one tradition I would never give up...and to this day I continue to search for that perfect gift I know she would love.  This year I'm buying her a bottle tree.  The one in this photo belongs to my friend Cheryl.  I had never seen or heard of them before, but the moment I saw it, I knew my sister Carmen would totally have loved it.  I'm sure you can guess Carmen's bottle tree will not look quite like this one...lucky for me...Carmen loved blue, purple and green!  Carmen's tree will be a work in progress and I promise to post photos in the Spring!

  

December 6th. Year 20something. A Day of Love

December 6, 2009 my sister Carmen died.
She was 52 years old.
I will turn 52 years old before this year ends.
I know I am not ready to die.

I had two great Aunts who lived into their 90's.
They were sisters and lived together.  I believe between the two of them they had outlived four or five husbands.
There was a time where I thought that would be my sister and I.  Two ninety-something-year-old bitties sharing the remaining years of their lives together.

I had planned to write this post for some time now...with words of gratitude and reflection.

Everything changed this week.

Our community suffered a tragic loss.
A violent loss.
A young and promising life loss.
A beautiful family shattered with grief.
A community grieving together.

I cannot see through my own tears to write this.

Today we will begin our goodbyes to Matthew Rairdon.

Matt's senior portraits were one of the first I ever took.
I was more nervous than he was.
He sent me an email afterwards.  It simply said
"Thank you for taking my senior photos.  You are a very good photographer"

Oh Matthew, thank you so much for the vote of confidence.  I'm guessing you now know how much I needed to hear that :)

xoxo

I will forever remember your smile!

Coco the Dog. A Maine Photographer

I feel it's been awhile since I posted, and yet I have so much to say...well...there isn't a good enough reason for me to explain without making excuses...so here's  to a new strategy...post once a week...every Wednesday perhaps?...yes...I will try.

The photos I'm sharing with you today are of Coco.  I took them about a month ago, so of course I can't remember lots of the details...including that I can't remember if he was a she...but I'm pretty sure Coco is a he...I'm pretty sure he's 13 years old...and I'm pretty sure he's a chocolate lab...but I'm going to send this link to his Mom Julie, of Portland, and she will let me know if I need to update these simple but important things I've just stated.

I do remember my conversation with Julie over the phone, when I told her that she was the monthly dog portrait winner from Minor Moments Photography and the Dog Wash Etc and Julie told me that her daughter would be going into labor at any moment and that she was expecting her first grandchild...but that her dog was 13 years old and so I told her I was available RIGHT NOW because her daughter was not yet in labor, but that her dog was 13 and really, there was no time to waste!  Julie agreed to meet me at Jewel Falls just a few hours later so we could do a small photo shoot with Coco.

We met at Julie's house, and I got to meet her two cats also...yah yah....you guessed it...I don't remember their names either...but I think her kids call the black and white one cow?...Julie forgive me...and feel free to set me straight!  (heck...I'm assuming we have a baby name by now too...and I won't even venture a guess on name...or boy or girl for that matter...)  Yes, I'm pathetic when it comes to remembering certain things, but I truly do make up for it in the images I capture.  I am certain to capture a memory that will last your lifetime and beyond...because that is how important the "Coco's"and "Cows" of our lives are...it's their sweet faces and their eyes that we will look back and remember fondly how they filled our busy lives with love and joy.

 ...and lastly, I'm dedicating this blog post to one of my new friends, who already has become a dear friend...yet I didn't even know she had a dog...and she is currently dealing with the anguish of having had to say goodbye forever to her dog.  I'm not in the habit of asking my new friends if they have a dog and to please let me photograph their dog for them...so I'm putting it out there again...to all of you who have pets, please know that my business and pleasure is to capture forever moments for you.  I am honored...and blessed.  I was searching through my own blog, so I could share with my friend the words I put down when I grieved the death of my own beloved Tasha three years ago.  Tasha was the first and only dog I ever had.  In researching this morning I realized that I never did complete a blog post on losing Tasha.  I never shared some of the many photos I have of her...and I never eulogize her in my blog.  The pain was great, but I had also lost my big sister just three weeks earlier and I remember feeling torn of how to express my grief differently over a sibling and a pet.  Three and a half years later I have discovered that I must not have been able to do it, so I chose not too.  I believe I am ready now.  I have unfinished business to attend to, and it appears blogging material for next Wednesday...I hope you will visit again soon!

The photos below are of Coco and the cats...who shall for now remain nameless.

My Sister's Birthday

Today is my sister's birthday. 

I'm still pretty new at celebrating it without her.

One thing Carmen and I did without fail every year was put much thought into our birthday presents for each other...mine in December, hers in February.

Now that I can no longer give Carmen a physical present, I have decided on a new tradition of buying a birthday present for myself, on my sister's birthday.  I miss the surprise of what Carmen would have picked out for me...and I miss the shopping of finding the perfect gift for her.

Last year, for Carmen's birthday I gathered with family and friends to put together a photo album celebrating her life. 

When Carmen turned 50 she had started a project she called her Alpha Omega project.  This was the album that would highlight her life, with pictures and stories and accomplishments.  Carmen never did put together the album, but she did leave a very organized selection of photos and scrapbooking supplies labeled and filed in folders for those of us left behind to assemble for her...and that is what we did. 
Other ways I have continued to celebrate Carmen's life...
     I joined a prayer shawl group.  I have never knit anything in my life.  My sister received a prayer shawl during the last months of her life.  She was so touched by this gift, I vowed to myself to make a shawl for someone else needing comfort...some day.  I started my first prayer shawl in October...and realistically...hope to finish it...sometime in 2011.
     I started photographing the Cats at the Animal Refuge League.  Yes I did this mostly for myself, but Carmen Loved Cats!!....so I do feel a special connection with her with this particular labor of love.
     My dog Chloe is named after my sister.  My dog came into the world the day my sister transitioned out of it.  My dog is pure love and joy.  I'm pretty sure Carmen is ok with my little legacy...and I might add...Chloe is such a big sister to my new kitty...just like Carmen was to me.
     And, I'd like to end this post with a quote I read earlier this week...as I wish my big sister a Happy Birthday...Happy Birthday Carmen!

Make fun of death. We are as dead as it gets, and we are fully aware of this joyous experience. We are with you every time you allow it. We are in every singing bird and in every joyful child. We are part of every delicious pulsing in your environment. We are not dead, and neither will you ever be! You will just get up, one day, and get out of the movie.


--- Abraham

Family and friends assembling Carmen's Alpha Omega Album



The present I bought myself for my sister's birthday

My prayer shawl...a slow labor of love!

My love Chloe...and her new baby sister Little Starr