Chloe

Please meet Chloe!

She's the newest member of my family.

Maybe someday I will share the full story of how Chloe came into my life...but for now I will just share her beautiful mug! Chloe is currently 9 weeks old, she is visibly changing everyday, has a true puppy outlook on life, and is just about the best distraction my family could have wished for! She is a golden retriever, and she came to us through Rushell at http://www.snowypaw.com/

Enjoy her photos...she truly is a blessing!

Today is the day I choose to be grateful.

Today is the day I choose to write this blog post, and move forward with my life and business. Today I choose to write about my sister. I have so many random thoughts every single day. Today I will write them down.

In December my sister Carmen died.

Carmen had been sick for many years. I had grown accustomed to the fact that she had symptoms that affected the quality of her life. (She had been diagnosed with POEMS syndrome years ago.) I didn't really allow myself to believe that the disease would one day take her life. I can blame Carmen for that, because she never let on that death was inevitable either. Near the end she told me that she hadn't believed that she would die from it. She said for the past ten years she had chosen to treat each symptom individually, and not as a combination of symptoms that symbolized this disease.

Did I take my sister for granted? Absolutely. But I've come to believe that's normal.

When I was in college my roommate would receive one or two letters a week from her grandmother. Every time I peeked through the little glass to see if "you've got mail" applied…I was often disappointed that the awaiting mail wasn't for me. Years later, when I heard of her grandmothers passing, I emphasized how lucky she had been to have that person in her life. I compared myself, saying my grandmothers had both died while I was very young, and I had no memories, let alone a special friendship with either one of them.

This past holiday season was my third season working in the LLBean call center, taking customer phone orders. I did go to work the day after my sister died. I felt I needed to go to work before deciding where to go next. That day I confided in a customer. The customer was ordering a winter coat for her nephew. She was asking lots of questions, ensuring she was ordering the correct size, color and matching hat and mittens. She said she had no kids of her own, and really tried to get her sisters' kids something nice every year, because it was the closest she was to having kids of her own. There it was. My story. My sister always put much thought into her gifts for my children. I shared my thoughts with the customer. I half expected a tap on the shoulder from a supervisor…was this call being monitored? I apologized to the customer for sharing personal thoughts, to which she answered, "that is what makes LLBean special, real people taking our orders" and assured me there was no need to apologize. Her advice to me: Be grateful for the memories of Carmen. Many people grow up without love and family. I, at least had knowledge of what it was like to have a special family, and I had memories.

I think it was only about a month later, still working through my own grief, that I realized my college roommate didn't have a sister. All these years I had been envious of my friends' relationship with her grandmother and I had never realized that I had something special too…I had a relationship with my sister.

My sister took me to have my ears pierced on my eighteenth birthday. (yes, my dad opposed the two extra holes in the head…and wouldn't allow it on his watch.)

My sister threw me my first birthday party, (also on my eighteenth birthday) a party where I got to invite friends and they brought me gifts. (Yes, my first!)

My sister bought me a ten speed bicycle for my high school graduation…she understood that I had outgrown the sissy bar and banana seat long ago, but most importantly, she knew how much I wanted one.

I had my first alcoholic beverage at my sister's wedding rehearsal dinner. (I believe I was seventeen…I got a lecture from my dad the next day…but I didn't care.)

My sister was my first son's Godmother, a role she honored seriously and proudly.

My sister lived two hours away, and our adult relationship had pretty much been limited to seeing each other a few times a year. I'm very busy with my family, and although Carmen and I do share some similar interest, we also led very different lives. During Carmen's illness she began delving deep into herself for healing, and many times our conversations left me exhausted and depressed. I expressed to her that I needed to surround myself with positive energy in order to excel at my own goals. I told her I couldn't handle the negative vibrations…so Carmen obliged and began to filter and limit her conversations with me. We continued to have regular email contact, but never talked about her illness.

I'm fortunate to have banned my own rules of limiting conversation in the last few months of Carmen's life. I'm grateful that I woke up and realized that the reason I didn't know she had gotten so sick was my own fault. She was honoring my wishes in keeping the negative facts of her life out of mine. I'm grateful that I had a telephone conversation with her where we established new ground rules…we would talk at least every other or every third day. She could tell me whatever she wanted, and I wouldn't hold it against her. I'm grateful for those five weeks of conversations. I'm grateful that my sister never gave up. I'm grateful that she believed she would recover and therefore so did I. I'm grateful for discovering that what one might view as "denial" another will view as having a "positive attitude"

I am grateful for having had a sister. I am grateful for realizing I have many, many positive memories to hold onto. I am grateful that my sister is no longer in daily pain. I am grateful for my very own guardian angel.

I am grateful